The World’s Most Beautiful Burrito

Would you look at that? Freakin’ take a look at it!

The gorgeous, bold orange of the cheddar… the complimentary zing of the guacamole… the bright, fresh tomatoes evenly distributed across the plate… the cilantro infused salsa, the onions… the burrito itself is almost an afterthought, but no!… shredded beef with a spicy monterrey jack cheese… oh my… please pardon my tears of joy at what a wondrous creation I have seen this day.

Update: It must be noted, the boy’s sport socks on the counter do nothing to quell my desire for this meal. It was most delectable.

Obama Anthem

With all the Obama love across the board, it’s only fitting that he have his own anthem, right? [via Tasty Infidelicacies]

King’s Island: The Story of Love Exhibited Through Pain

I love my son Ben. He’s a great kid loaded with enthusiasm (sometimes too much) and creative thinking. As my parents modeled for me, I wanted to show Ben that I loved him in a tangible way, in a language he would understand. So I decided to take him on a trip where it was just “me and him.”

As summer approached and the number of amusement park advertisements increased, it became obvious where his passions lay. So what follows is a diary of sorts chronicling how a boy and his (old) father spent a grand day at King’s Island.

7:42: I wake Ben up. He has a smile on his face. He still didn’t know what I had planned so the mystery was intact.

7:53: We show Ben the e-tickets to King’s Island and said, “All right! All right!” I replied, “Ok buddy, let’s hit it.” I never meant that literally but by the end of this story, you’ll see that I was on the losing end of that fight.

9:05: Driving up to Cincinnati we enjoy some Rush and Radiohead to get us ready to rock this place.

9:59: We arrive at our parking space at the perfect time to enter the park right as it opens. We open our doors and hear the final phrase over the loud speakers… ”the land of the free, and the home, of the brave.” Play ball!

10:06: Ben asks the first of 1,273 times, “What do you wanna do now?” We decide to make efficient use of our limited (if you can call 12 full hours limited) time at the park and head for the nearest coaster. It turns out the nearest is Invertigo. I don’t like the sound of that.

10:27: Let’s just say the ride lived up to its name as my chronic motion sickness disease wakes up and says, “I’m baaaaaack!”

10:39: No time to waste, what’s next? Congo Falls. No lines, no waiting, just 37 thousand gallons of murky water splashing down upon us. I wasn’t even hot yet.

10:42: Part of the joy for a young boy is being able to brag about what coasters you’ve ridden. Even though Ben didn’t love Invertigo, he did make it through relatively unscathed. So with a boldness that frightens me, Ben says let’s ride Son of Beast.

11:02: I won’t spend a lot of time describing our time on Son of Beast because it’s easily summed up with one word. Pain. This thing throws you around like a grizzly bear on crack. I left the ride with my right ring finger bleeding from a small gash. I am now the proud owner of a beautiful purple bruise on my knee and my ever-present nausea now reached to even greater heights.

11:05: Of course, since we’re over in this part of the park, we might as well take in Flight Deck. It doesn’t look too intimidating.

11:24: If I had only ridden this one coaster, all would have been grand. It was very smooth and actually quite fun, but hot on the heels of the previous three, I’m now reduced to a walking, talking husk of a man. 42 years of life have never felt so heavy.

11:33: I wisely guide us towards an early lunch. I had previously considered some spicy wings or even Cincinnati’s own Skyline chili. Now I can only partially digest a weak grilled chicken salad. Ben eats 6 bites of his chicken sandwich and is like, “Ok, let’s go!”

11:40: Part of the plan had always been to take in the Water Park—Boomerang Bay. Right now, that’s my favorite part of the plan. Of course, it’s completely on the other side of the world. That’s fine. It’ll give my stomach time to quit doing back-flips.

11:58: We arrive at Boomerang Bay. Let’s check out those rental lockers. 13 bucks?! Wow. That’s pretty steep. And I thought the $8.75 for a sickly grilled chicken sandwich was high. No thanks; we’ll just throw our shoes out onto the plain of debris that is Land of 10,000 Lawn Chairs. Surely, no one will find them there.

1:15: Lots of great rides here. The Tasmanian Typhoon (a giant funnel) was wondrous. The tall racing tubes (Coorangatta Racers) were a lot of fun. We even spent some time drifting down the lazy Sydney Sidewinder. I even enjoyed the “everything Australian motif.” Why go back to the park at all? I could stay here the rest of the day. Oh yeah, no sunscreen. D’oh! As we run back to our shoes/shirts, burning 3 layers of epidermis off the bottom of our feet, I shrug off the burning pain on my cheeks, nose and shoulders thinking, “Pfft. Sunburn? I never burn.”

1:36: There’s still a great deal to take in. My renegade stomach seems to have calmed down a bit so we venture forth. We head over to King’s Island’s classic coaster—The Racer. Great fun, up and down, with no big turns. I’ll give it the thumbs up. It’s very cool that for many of our rides, the lines have been slim to none. We take in Adventure Express while we’re here. We’re on a roll! I’m only Level 2 wobbly at this point.

2:49: As we crisscross the park looking for a Rockstar energy drink machine (Ben constantly talks about energy drinks, must be his cousin’s influence), we enjoy the sites and sounds of the amusement park. The weather is wonderful and all is good in the world. After Ben has digested exactly what happened to him on Son of Beast, both the Firehawk and The Beast are now considered as “no way” rides. Even The Vortex is off limits. Do you think I’m upset about this development? If you could see the number of somersaults my stomach is performing, you’d know the answer.

3:02: We take in the log ride. I was this close to buying our log ride photo. My purposefully goofy face (not to be confused my standard goofy face) is very well done on this shot. I’m not really cheap, it’s just when bottled water costs $3.25 and they won’t even let you refill your own sodas, that doesn’t make you want to give the park any more money than what’s essential for a good time.

3:17: So far, Ben’s favorite ride was Flight Deck so we head back for another ride. Of course, it would have to be on the opposite side of the park… again. I do believe I’ve walked more today than in the last month combined. If this is what it feels like to be 42, I’m not looking forward to 52. This time, when I click down the overhead security bar, I push it one notch too far. I’m totally immobile. I can’t move. Did I tell you I have claustrophobia? Well I do. The only thing that kept me from totally freaking out and yelling for the crew to “Let me out!!!” was that I would lose serious cool points with my son. I was able to keep things under control during the next 127 seconds until the ride started moving when my claustrophobia was quickly replaced with I’m-gonna-hurl-aphobia.

3:45: We head over to SpongeBob’s 3-D Adventure. Complete with 3-D glasses and gyrating, rumble chairs, it’s a great ride. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ben laugh so much. I highly recommend it. Only downside? The ride took my own internal disruption to whole new levels. Does the park rent walking sticks to decrepit old men? I also have the beginnings of a truly special headache. What’s happening to me?

3:57: As we’re walking, Ben asks “Dad, do you need to sit down?” Whatever gave you that idea son? Was it the vacant stare? The beading perspiration in places where people don’t normally sweat? Or, was it the soft whimpering of a man faced with his own mortality. “Yes Ben, I think that’s a good idea.”

4:22: Sitting is the shade, wondering how we could possibly have fun without actually getting onto a ride that moves, I suggest it might be time for an early dinner. Ben agrees. What a good boy he is.

4:39: I had promised Ben we’d get pizza for dinner. Pizza restaurant #1 is the closest and it is air conditioned. Only problem, it also has a stage where some Hollywood-wanna-be is belting out a predictably yucky country song. I wouldn’t be able to keep the food down in that place so we depart.

4:45: Pizza restaurant #2 has no country music. It also doesn’t have a place to sit down. I’ve not heard a single health advocate recommend eating while standing so we head out.

4:54: Pizza restaurant #3 is the original LaRosa’s. Ok. Let just find a place to sit down out of the sun and enjoy our over-priced, machine-made pizza. Do you think it’d be a good idea to ask a stranger to check my forehead to see if I have a fever? Never mind, it’s probably just my sunburn. I’d purchase some painkillers for my headache but I’m guessing they’ll want $15 and a pint of blood. No worries mate!

5:15: We start the final calculations: Which rides do we have to ride and how much time do we have left? Since we just ate, I talk Ben into riding Scooby-Doo & the Haunted House. Ben thinks it’s a kiddie ride. Ben is right but I don’t care. It moves slowly and is air-conditioned. Did you write that down parents?

5:59: Other than air-conditioning, the only other way to cool down is water, so we hit Congo Falls one more time. After the ride, Ben overdoses by standing on the bridge, taking in a full wall of water. Every inch of his body is now wet. Ahh… to be young again!

6:40: Earlier in the day we tried to ride White Water Canyon but the line was too long. Now that temps have cooled, the line is much shorter. We did have to walk back to the complete other side of the park (yet again) to get there, but that’s what Dads do. My old man knees are acting up and I feel like one of those caricatures from television. After the ride, I am now as wet as Ben. I actually took off my shirt and wrung out some water. Good times!

7:19: We walk around a bit. Get a Cinnabon. Check out some of the prize booths. I explain to Ben that they’re really money traps. He still thinks he can make the shot on his first try. I say, “How about you try it with your own money?” I was in a better mood at the beginning of the day.

8:02: Ok, we’re nearing the time for the official Last Ride of the Day. We decide on the Backlot Stunt Coaster. As we’re making our way towards it, we pass The Crypt which had been closed earlier. We opt for this ride instead. This is a decision we will both be regretting shortly.

8:20: After waiting in the longest line of the day, we’re ushered into the scary inner-sanctum (the room before the ride) and are told, “Put whatever items you’re carrying in the pouch in front of you and zip it closed. Whatever you don’t put in the pouch will be lost forever… seriously… forever.” What kind of ride is this?!?

8:24: Because the ride in completely indoors, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Sure, it was rated a “5” on the thrill meter but c’mon, they’re just trying to be scary and all that, right? Uh huh. It’s tough to describe the way this ride works. Let’s just say that if you took a blender, turn it sideways and added a switch for “Alternating Forward Then Reverse” that might sum it up. I get dizzy even thinking about it. Ben might have soiled himself, I’m not sure. The ride was so intense, I was screaming things like, “Oh no way!” and “Not that again!!” If you’re ever in the park, please ride this thing then call me. It’s one of those kind of rides.

8:49: We stumble out of the park but make sure to buy some candy for Ben. How can you take a trip to an amusement park and not buy candy? Me? I opted for the Pepto-Bismol.

10:27: We arrive back in Louisville. I take a couple of pain killers and drink some milk to settle the stomach and then bask in the glow of Ben relating the day’s events to his mother. Knowing that he had an amazing day makes it all worthwhile. Well, that and knowing someday my stomach will actually stop spinning.

Follow-up: So here we are on the next day and I still have motion sickness. Dramamine barely helps. I might never ride another coaster as long as I live. Ugh.

The Saddest Day of the Year

How many of you remember this song?

Joy and pain
Like sunshine and rain
Joy and pain
Like sunshine and rain

If you guessed Rob Base than you dope! (How fly am I? )

Anyway, nothing is quite so sad as the last day at the beach. It’s tough to enjoy it knowing the next day you’ll have to wake up early, pack the car and drive 13 hours with 3 crazy kids, a non-stop talking toddler and an irritable hormonal anxious(?) wife.

So we’re back in life’s regular groove. Yada yada yada. Don’t talk to me.

Paladin’s Annual Jaunt South

No, the world isn’t coming to an end… yet. I’ll just be gone for the next two weeks. In the biz, we call it intermittent posting. Just call me the b’sphere’s Al Roker.

Cheers!

Little Miss Paladin

I’m officially trippin’. Yeah, that’s an old school phrase but it’s just CRAZY to think we’re having a baby girl. I thought we only made boys? I wonder if God swapped out some DNA somewhere along the line?

We’re so grateful she (she?) is healthy, as far as we can tell. Thanks to everyone for their prayers!

Heart-Pounding Dr. Visit

Well, let me catch my breath. Can’t say I enjoy visiting doctors these days. Who does?

So… we’re already leery heading into the patient room awaiting the Doppler test. We just want to hear the baby’s heartbeat. The 12 week visit is the scariest because it was at this point that we lost two babies before. Then, our OB can’t find the heartbeat, tries some more, can’t find it, we think, “Oh no… not again…”

Of course, she’s upbeat and says the baby is just being “tricky” and ushers us over to the ultrasound lab for a more thorough test.

We wait an anxious 10 minutes, playing with Barret and trying to maintain our composure. (When I say “our” I mostly mean “my.”)

Then, it’s our turn and after a long 20 seconds we hear the sound that every parent longs to hear, “vvaa vvoom vvaa vvoom”.

I’m getting too old for this stuff. Our praise to God for all His good gifts.

Paladin Pondering

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” -C. S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

The Newest Addition to Our Family: Gigi

I had been hoping for a bunch of high-quality photos to choose from when I made my first post about our new niece Gigi, but with pressure from my brother, a post with the standard hospital photo is better than nothing, right?

We love Gigi and we are glad she’s here with us!

Sickness Abounds!

Hi all,
Quick little blurbage alerting the world to stay the heck away from the Paladin compound. Yesterday our youngest completed, not one, but two projectile vomiting sessions. Of course, they were in two separate rooms. Lovely, we didn’t like that sofa very much anyway.

Today, I pick up Son #1 and Son #2 at a friends sleepover, only to find we’re approaching pandemic proportions as Son #2 was having difficulty even picking himself up off the floor. Never a good sign.

On the drive home, I had the prayer “not in the car” on auto-loop. God answered “yes” this time. We count ourselves fortunate that his release point was commode focused. My wife was attired in her usual doctor’s mask and rubber gloves. (I’m not kidding.)

So please keep the Paladin crew in your prayers as we still have 3 (somewhat) healthy humans still in play. In a way, it’s like having one of those countdown clocks ticking where you’re constantly reminding that when the buzzer goes off, we won’t be celebrating a victory but rather the arrival of a beastly scourge.

Cheers!
-Paladin

It’s Official! New Baby on the Way!

Anyone who’s ever met me, knows that one of my favorite expressions is, “The more, the merrier!”

Don’t look now, but official “big family” status, here we come!

(Anyone who’d like to make a donation to our new Mac & Cheese family meal plan, please email me privately.)

Rock Band Update

Anyone wondering why I haven’t posted about Rock Band in, oh… the last 24 hours, needs to know our TV stopped suddenly and I feel like someone who was forced into a cold-turkey detox center. It’s just plain cruel I tell you!

As of now… I just hope to survive until the weekend.

Blogroll Cleanup in The Dojo

Just spent a couple of hours checking out my blogroll. I went through and deleted some crap wonderful sites that refused chose not to reciprocate the link love.

The only one that baffles me is Six Meat Buffet. Years back, I was a fan of Gordon’s site before he chose to roll it into SMB. Now he’s not even posting? What gives!?! Gordo, if you’re out there, hit me with the scoop.

If I’ve removed your link and you’d like it back, just let me know. For just a few buck, I’ll even make it bold. *giggle*

Paladin’s ‘Christmas Vacation’

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on it’s way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Man o’ man I had a tough time tonight. To put it into perspective, Clark W. Griswold makes me look like I should be riding the short bus.

The things we go through for our kids. After 4 and 1/2 hours searching through the basement for extension cords, out in the bitter cold unraveling cords, attempting to hang strings of lights all the while taking branches poking me in the eye… seriously, if I didn’t have kids, we wouldn’t have lights. End of story.

Midway through this ordeal I heard myself muttering, “I don’t understand. I checked every bulb?!?”

Strands that worked when I tested them decided not to once set in their assigned position. At the 35 minute mark I recalled that we didn’t use the all-white strands on the bushes… these were supposed to be colored lights! Argh! Time to start over.

It was light when I went out but when I finally finished it was pitch black. Surely it didn’t take that long last year? What’s happened to my memory?!?

But of all the problems in this messy debacle, first on the list is whatever brainiac thought it was a good idea to package the string in a series of back-and-forth twisty turns that inevitably left the cords permanently warped and mangled. Untangling a tightly wound strand of twinkle lights in sub-zero weather with only the light from the accursed object of my frustration led me down paths I had hoped never to travel. (I had to send the children indoors to rescue them from my foul, foul language.)

In the end, I completed the grisly task. All the more frustrating was the knowledge that my home wasn’t large and any regular Joe could have completed the task in a fraction of time and probably even enjoyed it.

I felt my inner Grinch surfacing. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this Holiday season as I find myself turning into that “old guy” who lives down the street who finds the joyous sounds of children playing especially grating. Oh yeah, here’s a picture. Bah humbug.

After you heard me complain, you would have thought my house looked like this, right?

President Visits Louisville, Didn’t Visit Paladin

I don’t feel slighted. He knows I’m a busy guy. ;^)

My brother, however, was able to find time to pay his respects to the most powerful man on the planet.