101 Things About Paladin

  1. Before I was born, I don’t remember much. But by the grace of God, I was born in Lexington, Kentucky, the home of the greatest college basketball team of all time.
  2. I have two younger brothers, both of whom I shall henceforth refer to as Chuckles.
  3. My earliest memory involves crawling along carpet in a kind of kindergarten conga line. The carpet was red.
  4. Whenever I hear someone complain about their marriage, or belittle marriage in general I just smile because my wife and I get along beautifully. Then I usually tease them.
  5. I love the smell of new plastic pool rafts.
  6. Whoever invented Lik-m-Aid Fun Dip was a genius.
  7. I once had 27 filings in my mouth. I now suspect Fun Dip played a role.
  8. At the time, playing Dungeons and Dragons wasn’t in the least bit geeky.
  9. Sometimes I think that God lives in the sun.
  10. In 2nd Grade I almost strangled myself trying to re-attach the tetherball. Luckily a nearby teacher came to my aid. To this day, my parents laugh when this story is told.
  11. Growing up, I was quite fortunate to go on several ski trips. I was so in love with skiing that I taped a favorite trail map to the underside of my top bunk so that I could stare at it as I fell asleep.
  12. I understand that being an atheist is the same thing as saying, “I am God.”
  13. I took the long way to graduating college. My path went through 3 universities, 7 waiter gigs, 4 states, 1 business buyout and 10 years. I’m sure you’ve all been there.
  14. For my college Geography class, I memorized every country/capital combination for the entire western hemisphere. Now I’m lucky to get North Dakota correct.
  15. People say the French can cook? Au contraire, it’s the Mexican’s who’ve mastered the art. On one spring break to Miami, my buddies and I ate at Taco Viva 11 times in 6 days.
  16. My degree is in Marketing. Positioning is best book ever written on the topic, yet Fortune 500 companies routinely ignore even the most basic rules.
  17. I think they should put a chemical in pool water so that when people urinated it would make a red cloud around the guilty party. That’d be cool.
  18. The two greatest evils known to man are the Duke Blue Devils and the Los Angeles Lakers. Shaq is now clean having left L.A.
  19. There will be a mondo ski resort in heaven.
  20. My Mom is very compassionate. She was always bringing home lost animals we found. I’m not completely sure that my brother wasn’t one of them.
  21. The Matrix is my all-time favorite movie.
  22. My parents gave me my first stereo but the rule was I could only listen to music with positive lyrics. Let’s just say that Amy Grant didn’t exactly rock.
  23. In junior high I listened to rock bands like Rush and Van Halen. In high school I transitioned to dance/rap to get more girls. [Insert your own joke here.]
  24. In college, I entered a break-dance competition and came in third. There were only four participants.
  25. My brothers like to tease me because I used to wear eye make-up to dance clubs.
  26. I’ve never had a broken bone, despite skydiving and skiing off cliffs. When my oldest was 7, he had already compound fractured both arms.
  27. My dependence on coffee, while not absolute, is surely not healthy. Umm… Starbucks.
  28. If I could, I’d sleep 20 hours a day, yet surprisingly I’m not lazy. I just love sleep.
  29. My wife is the greatest gift God has ever given to me.
  30. My family can’t be around me when I watch Kentucky play in the NCAA because I mutate into Lou Ferrigno.
  31. I never used to get motion sickness, but after my trip to Africa, I get it with frightening regularity. I’ve decided to buy stock in Dramamine.
  32. I was able to snag every top player’s autograph in the 1980 Masters Tournament except the eventual winner Seve Ballesteros. D’oh!
  33. I have both complete sets of the original Star Wars cards.
  34. I once ate 23 pieces of pizza at Mr. Gatti’s. They carried me out on a stretcher.
  35. Several times a day, something happens that reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. I know, I need counseling.
  36. I’ve met several famous people but I’m never impressed. There’s no one that I’d actually like to meet, well maybe Tubby Smith.
  37. C.S. Lewis is the person I’d choose if I could speak to anyone recently departed. Even with the acclaim, his brilliance isn’t fully appreciated.
  38. Fantasy Football has made an addict out of me. Now I’m even doing Fantasy Survivor. Go Ian!
  39. If pressed, I’d have to say that my greatest skill lies in designing websites. But the truth be told I’m unstoppable at Jenga.
  40. I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my mouth.
  41. I use spicy foods as an excuse to drink more beer.
  42. Every year our family takes a trip to the beach. I can’t tell you where but it starts with an “F” and ends with a “ripp Island, S.C.”
  43. I love the smell of Coppertone.
  44. On our senior trip, we played mini golf all day, everyday. Well that and drank Slurpees. Tame, right?
  45. In college, our gang would go to Denny’s just so we could get all-you-can-drink coffee. Not exactly Girls Gone Wild.
  46. I don’t participate in the whole Mac vs. PC debate. Both have strengths and weaknesses and I have other wars to wage.
  47. My father might be a genius but what I respect most about him is his integrity.
  48. My dream car is the Lexus IS but I’m afraid I’ll be driving this ’94 Civic until the transmission fall.
  49. More than anything else in my life, having children has taught me more about how God must look at us.
  50. I once rode a balance board for an entire episode of Charlie’s Angles.
  51. I used FTP and gopher before they came out with the WWW.
  52. I started one of the earliest Quake clans in 1996. We called ourselves The Clanberries and everyone had a berry name. I’m Boysenberry-CB.
  53. When I was little I would wear socks on my hands and pretend to be Spiderman. Since I can’t be a superhero in real life, now I read lots of sci-fi books.
  54. At an early age it was obvious I wasn’t like other kids. Whether it was the unusually large size of my head or my obvious anti-social behavior I had few friends. Those I did have cost me 25 cents/day or the whole week for a dollar.
  55. When I was a kid and we played hide-and-seek, I would hide in our laundry chute. And no, I had no problem with my unusually large head.
  56. I’ll be 39 in April and I still get carded. Yay for me!
  57. Other than my wife, my brothers are my best friends.
  58. My wife was adopted and I’m so grateful to her birth mother for not aborting her.
  59. I’ve always been naturally athletic (in my mind).
  60. If I was independently wealthy my boys and I would play video games all day. Joking! (Maybe.)
  61. I used to own my own business in Hilton Head, S.C. and yes, we did make fun of each and every tourist behind their back.
  62. In high school, I won a cross-dressers Best Legs Contest. Naturally enough, my name was Tracy.
  63. Last couple of times I took online IQ tests I got around 140. I’m smart enough to know those tests probably aren’t accurate.
  64. The only thing better than Mexican food is pizza. I’d like to name our next child Pepperoni, Pepper for short.
  65. The first time I ever really kissed a girl I almost passed out. Coincidentally, this was the same classroom that when the Biology teacher brought out the clear plastic bag of cow eyeballs I did pass out.
  66. One time I passed out in church because I had a huge gas bubble in my stomach.
  67. I pass out a lot.
  68. One time I tried to slide down a moss-covered stream on my feet only to lose my balance and fall on my face; cracked three teeth. Five minutes later my best friend did the very same thing. The dentist thought we were both idiots. No argument here.
  69. My 1-year-old niece can eat more than my 9-year-old son.
  70. We might possibly have the best church in the United States.
  71. I wholeheartedly believe that anyone who plays golf for a period of time will eventually use foul language. It’s inevitable.
  72. I don’t think they could make the security screening at the airports any more demeaning. I heard they’ve added a new TSA role where the most senior agent gets to be the official taunter.
  73. I’ve only been in a few fights and all for good reason. One time a kid named Jeff wanted to fight me but I refused. He finally went after my brother so I started to clobber him. When an adult pulled me off him no one grabbed Jeff. That’s when he clocked me in the lip. Good times.
  74. I’ve had 8 jobs in the last 7 years. I.T. really is like Office Space. I was laid-off two of those jobs that week before my scheduled vacation. One of those just days before I became vested in my 401(k). Bastards.
  75. I can make my hiccups go away at will.
  76. Some people have dogs. We have cats. Nothing against dogs, we just like our house not to stink.
  77. My brother always gets the cools gadgets before me.
  78. My wife wins at Bunco like my son wins at Yahtzee, like every time.
  79. I have swayback.
  80. I wrote the first Lovemark for Qdoba.
  81. When I was a waiter people frequently thought I looked like Brian Boitano. He’s a figure skater. I didn’t find that complimentary.
  82. My grandfather started a swim club and made all of his kids swim. Aunt Alice almost made the Olympics. But the coolest thing was the 10-meter platform. During the summer we’d launch ourselves off turning in mid-air to splash the people standing nearby. Plus they sold Marathon bars!
  83. I have feet like a gorilla.
  84. Even though it would reduce our take home pay, I believe that the IRS should be abolished and we should have a Flat Tax.
  85. If you believe in something then you should be extreme about it. Being lukewarm or ambivalent is not something to be proud of.
  86. When we were kids our parents once took us to a John Denver concert. I still suffer from flashbacks.
  87. Lileks is the best writer on the Internet.
  88. My wife and I continually use words and phrases our kids have said as part of our vernacular. Some aren’t even words because #1 son didn’t really use English words until he was about 4.
  89. One time my brother stuck his finger in a car cigarette lighter to see if it was on. It was.
  90. People who don’t think America is the greatest country on Earth should move to their favorite country. It’s a win-win!
  91. If you come to our house and the grass is cut, it’s only because my wife told me to do it. I prefer the savannah look.
  92. I can’t pronounce anemone.
  93. The only thing I remember about my trip to London was that my Fish-n-Chips was a bloody 14 bucks!
  94. I get physically ill if I hear more than 27 seconds of country music.
  95. I used to attend First Presbyterian Church Camp every summer for close to a dozen years. Camp was a dream come true. Food fights, capture the flag, rock-climbing and that occasional bout of beri beri.
  96. I value integrity more than ability.
  97. If the President invited me over for dinner, I’d respectfully decline. If it were during the Clinton administration, I’d disrespectfully decline.
  98. As strange as this may sound, Selection Sunday is one of my favorite days of the year.
  99. The rock band Rush is the greatest collection of musical ability known to man. And no, I’m not exaggerating.
  100. I very much need a love my Hot Springs spa.
  101. This life will be over before we know it so I understand the our most important job is to learn about what comes next.
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