Paladin’s ‘Christmas Vacation’

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on it’s way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Man o’ man I had a tough time tonight. To put it into perspective, Clark W. Griswold makes me look like I should be riding the short bus.

The things we go through for our kids. After 4 and 1/2 hours searching through the basement for extension cords, out in the bitter cold unraveling cords, attempting to hang strings of lights all the while taking branches poking me in the eye… seriously, if I didn’t have kids, we wouldn’t have lights. End of story.

Midway through this ordeal I heard myself muttering, “I don’t understand. I checked every bulb?!?”

Strands that worked when I tested them decided not to once set in their assigned position. At the 35 minute mark I recalled that we didn’t use the all-white strands on the bushes… these were supposed to be colored lights! Argh! Time to start over.

It was light when I went out but when I finally finished it was pitch black. Surely it didn’t take that long last year? What’s happened to my memory?!?

But of all the problems in this messy debacle, first on the list is whatever brainiac thought it was a good idea to package the string in a series of back-and-forth twisty turns that inevitably left the cords permanently warped and mangled. Untangling a tightly wound strand of twinkle lights in sub-zero weather with only the light from the accursed object of my frustration led me down paths I had hoped never to travel. (I had to send the children indoors to rescue them from my foul, foul language.)

In the end, I completed the grisly task. All the more frustrating was the knowledge that my home wasn’t large and any regular Joe could have completed the task in a fraction of time and probably even enjoyed it.

I felt my inner Grinch surfacing. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this Holiday season as I find myself turning into that “old guy” who lives down the street who finds the joyous sounds of children playing especially grating. Oh yeah, here’s a picture. Bah humbug.

After you heard me complain, you would have thought my house looked like this, right?