Tom Cruise Grants Blogger Interview
Yesterday, Paramount released War of the Worlds. Mr. Tom Cruise is currently on a promotional tour for the film so 21st Century Paladin was extremely fortunate to have one of Hollywood’s biggest stars agree to an interview.
After his recent controversial comments on the Today Show, his publicist, Ms. Pat Kingsley, advised against the interview but after I promised that my Uncle Sidney’s daughter would play the harp at the upcoming Cruise-Holmes wedding. She consented.
However, I did have to sign an agreement stating I would not ask any questions about his height, his weight, his eating habits, his false teeth, his platform shoes, his bizarre conspiracy theories or his hair. Everything else was fair game.
Paladin: Thank you Mr. Cruise for agreeing to this interview.
Cruise: No problem. I just want to let people know that I’m a good guy. Sure, sometimes I throw them a curve ball every now and then but that’s what makes life interesting, right?
Paladin: Certainly. So…
Cruise: I mean, who does Matt Lauer think he is?
Paladin: Uhh…
Cruise: When I was strutting around in my underwear on the big screen, this guy was brown-nosing it in a 2-bit station in West Virginia!
Paladin: That’s probably true but….
Cruise: When I was piloting that jet in Top Gun he was freakin’ buying donuts for Jane Pauley!
Paladin: Well, it sounds like you’ve got a bit of a problem with Mr. Lauer. Was it because he questioned your Scientology beliefs?
Cruise: What are you talking about? It was because he hit on Katie! Everyone knows we’re together now and here comes big, tall Matt, giving her coffee and trying to…
Paladin: So you think his height was…
[At this point, Mr. Cruise asks for a 10-minute recess and I am reminded by his lawyer not to discuss anything related to "height."]
Paladin: Mr. Cruise, I’m going to read a quote of yours from your recent appearance on the Today Show and then give you the chance to respond. “Psychiatry is a pseudo science. You don’t know the history of psychiatry – I do.” Is this what you really believe?
Cruise: Well, to begin with, everyone agrees that psychiatry is far from an exact science. (Cruise mutters something under his breath.) It’s really more subjective than anything else, but do you know what? That Matt Lauer really pisses me off. He thinks that just because he could take any drug he likes and I’m stuck with these f**cking migraines and he can just ask me whatever the hell he wants? Well, I got news for him pal. Once our friends from the sky arrive, we’ll see who gets…
Paladin: Excuse me? Mr. Cruise, could we get back on point…
Cruise: Certainly, I’m sorry. Can I get something to drink?
[At this point, Mr. Cruise's lawyer asks me to sign an addendum to the original contract that forbids me to ask questions about drugs or sensory deprivation chambers. I sign it.]
Paladin: So now, is it your belief that psychiatry is harmful or just worthless?
Cruise: Heh. It’s just that, back in the 80s when I was having those sessions with Dr. Ha….
[At this point, his lawyer interrupts our interview and produces a third document that excludes speaking about any Dr. with the last name that starts with an "H" or "T" and clowns.]
Paladin: I’m sorry this is becoming so difficult for you. I just want to give you the chance to speak your mind and tell us what’s been bothering you.
Cruise: I appreciate that. Katie appreciates that. All we want is to be left alone and continue our spiritual journey. Our cult doesn’t…
[At this point, the lawyer asks that I changed the word from "cult" to "church" or he'll call his four lawyer friends and things could get dicey. I comply.]
Cruise: …church doesn’t believe everything that all those mainline, washed out religions believe. We’ve got our rights. And if I want to sign a Document of Safety that let’s the church leadership isolate me for an indefinite period…
[At this point, the lawyer now requests that only he can ask the questions. I'm easy to please.]
Mr. Lawyer: Tom? You know that we only want what’s best for you and Katie right?
Cruise: Yes.
Mr. Lawyer: You don’t want any more trouble with nasty Mr. Lauer and his anti-religion pagan goons do we?
Cruise: No.
Mr. Lawyer: Good. Now, what was the last thing I told you to say before the interview?
Cruise: Everyone, make sure you come see the War of the Worlds. It’s the beessst movie I’ve ever done. Honest.
Mr. Lawyer: Good job Tom. Great. Here, now drink this.
[At this point, the lawyer hands Mr. Cruise an opaque bottle from his suitcase. Mr. Cruise drinks it down and grimaces.]
Mr. Lawyer: There now, isn’t that better Tom?
Cruise: Ok, time for sleepy bye-bye.
[Mr. Cruise's entourage scoops him up and out of our room in less than 20 seconds. They moved so seamlessly that it seems likely that they've done this type of thing before. I'm just glad to get the interview.]
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