Breakin’ It Down, Dojo Style

If you’ve never been to TheOnion.com, go now. Why are you still here?!? Wha…? I said, if you haven’t been, then you should go. Off with you! Begone! Huh? You’ve been? Oh, ok, let’s move on.

Each issue of TheOnion has it’s share of lame articles but I’ll be tarred-and-feathered if there’s not a gem in there too. The best this time around was Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn’t Stand Up To Peer Review. (Try to ignore the ads for one moment.)

The premise is taking totally irrelavant daily occurances and then treating them like they’re actually newsworthy. You know, kinda like CNN does with Martha Stewart.

What’s so hilarious is that TheOnion writers have truly learned how to come off sounding like regular people. Here, listen to this piece that’s supposedly coming from a 10-year-old boy named Duane:

“Otters are so boring, I fell asleep for a thousand years and woke up with a long beard covered in ice,” LaMott said. “I had to defrost myself.”

That’s gold Jerry, gold! And another:

“Yes, sea lions do have gigantic claws,” LaMott said. “If you don’t believe me, look it up. Sea lions have very long claws. They would tear an otter to shreds in, like, two seconds. Seriously.”

Brilliant. I wonder if Jon Stewart got his show idea from TheOnion. It just goes to show, not everything from Wisconsin stinks of cheese.